I'd Do Anything and Everything Just To Be... Unbroken

While the Holidays were hectic, I'm a bit thankful for the craziness. With all of the running 'here and there,' my mind was kept busy and not stressing over the appointment with the (in)fertility doctor tomorrow morning. However, I think my body wants to get the emotions of this appointment out, because I have been dizzy with a migraine all day. If you don't allow yourself the break or time needed, the Universe provides it for you. It truly is not a good thing to keep any emotions bottled up.

What emotions you ask? Where do I start? I'm terrified. I'm so nervous about what may or may not be said. I know it's only the initial appointment and I actually don't even meet with the doctor at this point, only the LPN, but the nerves are still there. I have about 10 pages of forms to fill out and read sitting in front of me and I haven't even made it through the first page. What if I truly cannot have children?? I know I've brought that up in the last entry, but I am an emotional woman right now so I feel allowed to repeat myself.

But, what if this is all "no big deal," meaning nothing major is wrong with either one of us? I feel I might be getting a bit worked up at this point, not knowing anything at all. But, isn't that what we fear the most? The unknown.

I've already stated to my husband that IF there is an issue with my reproductive system, I am going through any and all holistic modalities before I even think about letting my body be subjected to and injected with hormones and other treatments. Acupuncture, EFT, Reiki ... you name it. I am not comfortable with my body being put through hormone treatments, and that is a big part of the reason I've put this appointment off for so long.

I remember being so upset with my grandmother when she was diagnosed with Acute Leukemia. She didn't want to put her body through any chemotherapy, radiation, or surgeries. Nothing had a 100% success rate and she didn't want to go through any of that with a 30% chance that it wouldn't work. I only wish she was here for me to tell her how much I understand it all now. Well that, and to hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right.

Confessions of a want-to-be Mom

While I'm fully aware that not every woman has that maternal instinct, I'm also just as aware that some of us women are put here for the sole purpose of being a Mother. I feel I am one of those women. I remember being a little kid and stuffing pillows in my shirt while playing make-believe. No matter what we were playing, I was always the pregnant "mom."

But now, at the age of 32, and not one baby yet, the anxiety is rising. Now, let it be known, I've never been "one of those girls" who had to compete with her friends on who was going to be married first, have the biggest wedding, have kids first, etc. I've also never really been the jealous type or envious of others' lives. So, it must be said that my yearning for a baby truly comes from my purpose here of being a Mom.

For the past two years, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. While some may think this is a long time, I always felt that it just wasn't our time yet, and once it was the right time, pregnancy would happen. Imagine my horror when, during a routine doctor visit, she tells me I should see an infertility specialist. She says that "technically" I'm infertile after trying to get pregnant after a year. WHAT?!?!

I, of course, was in tears before settling into my car to drive home. I mean, me? Infertile? But, I'm a woman who is MEANT to be a Mom. Meant to have babies. LOTS of babies! Infertile? No freaking way. So, I ignored her and went about my life. I mean, after all, I TRULY felt inside that it just wasn't time yet. Six months later and another routine "hey, how are things?" doctor visit and I could swear I heard the "I" word again. Maybe she should have checked my hearing? After crying my eyes out, yet again, I again went about my life. I'm telling you, it just wasn't time yet.

Now we are in the here and now. After turning 30, my periods became suddenly irregular, out of nowhere. Started off with two months of no period, to going back to a somewhat normal cycle for about 2 months, to complete haywire. I am now at the point of one stint of a month and a half of a period, to a ten day break, onto a two month stint of a period. OK. Time for a doctor visit.

This time I decided to see a gynecologist, instead of my GP. Heh, finding a good GYN was a task in itself. After much research through my insurance, and asking many trusted women about their GYN's, I started my phone calls for an appointment. I would have never guessed this would have been so difficult. I made several calls, all with various not-so-good results, causing me a lot of frustration, and yes, more tears. (I do not cry easily, or often, I SWEAR!)

While I was thinking this can't be happening, I thumbed through my list of doctors again. That's when I stumbled upon the name of a doctor I had FIRST written down, but for whatever reason hadn't called yet. After a deep breath and a quick prayer I called that office. "Hi, I am a new patient and would like to make an appointment ... What?? Really? You can get me in within two weeks??" Finally!! The appointment wasn't for the doctor I had written down, but after I looked up this doctor's bio, I was very happy and was left with a very comfortable and "at ease" feeling.

We went through the routine exam, and she also suggested an infertility specialist. Only this time, she gave me a name and number of a specialist, instead of just the 'suggestion' of seeing one. She also made me promise to go home and call him that day for an appointment. I did as I was told and much to my surprise, they were able to schedule me within a few weeks time as well. Where have these people been hiding for the past year??

So, here I am, a week away from this initial appointment and I'm filled with so many different emotions. My worthiness as a woman is in question. Possibly infertile? But, isn't that my main function as a woman? To reproduce? I'm also excited at the thought of getting pregnant and finally having a baby, but quite nervous at the road we may have to take to get there. One day I just want to lose it and cry for the whole day and the next day, I sit in eager anticipation, waiting for my appointment to finally get some answers.

This has truly been the longest two weeks of my life thus far. I'm scared that there are "longer weeks" in my future...