Have YOU seen my muffin?

I'll give you fair warning right now - this entry is going to contain far too much personal information and will be a bit graphic at times. However, if you continue to read, I'm sure you'll have a nice laugh if you're not woozy. Now is when your fight or flight should kick in and you decide to fight it out and continue to read, or flight right on out of here.

Glad to see you stayed. =)

This bumpy ride that I call "fertility clinic visits" has taken away any modesty I may have had. Honestly. My vagina has been exposed to more strangers in the past two weeks than ever before in my life. It has also been probed with more objects than Cartman's ass. (You must be a fan of South Park to get that one.)

I have had an internal ultrasound, an endometrial biopsy and an HSG test. For those of you non-medical folk, I'll break those down for you. The internal ultrasound consisted of a "wand" that was thin, with a little knob on the end, covered in ultrasound "goo" and inserted inside of me. The fun part was, I got to see my ovaries and uterus on a screen while the ultrasound was being performed. Did I know I was looking at my ovaries and uterus? No. But, I'm glad the nurse told me. On a scale of 1 - 10, this one was about a 5 comfort level, with 10 being complete comfort.

Fast forward to two weeks later and we get to the endometrial biopsy. Now, it was explained to me that I would feel some cramping during this one. I did feel a slight twinge of pain for a mere second and thought, "Huh. That wasn't so bad." Well wouldn't ya know? I apparently had a "non-cooperative cervix" at that moment, so we got to redo the whole thing again the next day!

The next day comes and, again, I am told of the cramping prior and on this comfort scale, this one is getting a big fat 1! Oh and did I mention that the HSG test was performed immediately after? I mean, why expose my vagina yet again, since it's already out in the open, right? The HSG test consisted of dye being injected into my "reproductive area" and then a series of x-rays were taken to be sure that there was no blockage anywhere. This comfort level was about a 9. It really wasn't bad at all.

And, by this point I was even joking with the nurses about everyone seeing my vagina. You might be sitting here, reading all of this, and wondering why there are so many details about all of this. But, I figured since you decided to stay and keep reading, that I should entertain you. Please don't mistake any of this as complaining, because it's quite the opposite actually. I've come to find all of this entertaining. If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at? Really, this process (and I'm only in the very beginning stages), is pretty overwhelming and I can handle that in several ways. I choose to laugh mostly, cry minimally, and list the clinic as a residence on next year's taxes.

OH! And one other thing? I've become so accustomed to sitting (or laying) in a room with only a shirt and socks on, with a hospital sheet "over my lap" that I'm thinking of pitching this look to Project Runway as an episode challenge. What do you think?

Imagine my excitement!

OK, this cannot go unnoticed (or talked about)! So, a few weeks ago, I distinctly remember hearing the word "apothecary" at two different times during that week. The second time, I wrote it down (I was at work), and decided to look it up once I got home.

I looked up the meaning and it said things like....pharmacist, dispensing pharmaceutical products, etc. So, I'm thinking...OK?? I'm hearing this word, what does it mean?? I've been asking and asking to show me direction. I was a pharmacy tech in the past, so did this mean I should go back to that? Quite honestly, I didn't get that "YES!" feel when I asked if I should go back to it, so I left it alone. You know, we don't always get all the answers at once.

So, here I am searching, and googling my ass off, trying to find Reiki classes around here (for a reasonable price!). While searching, I found a school, not TOO far from me, that teaches Holisitic Massage and Reflexology. Not wanting to be a follower (Michele is a Massage Therapist), I have just thought about it for a day or two. I talked to Michele about it last night, asked what her tuition was. When she told me I wasn't sure what to think. She said her tuition was around $11,000, and was probably up to about $13,000 at this point.

I sat there..."BLINK BLINK"....."BLINK BLINK"... "Um, I found this site, the tuition was $7000, down to $5500 with an economic stimulus tuition roll back...." I asked her to check the site out and am still waiting to hear from her. Regardless of all of that.....

So, I searching YET again today and I find the Aspectarian online. I'm browsing that, writing down various sites from the zine when I come across one of the shops near me that I haven't yet been to or checked out. I go to their website to check things out. It says that not only are they planning Reiki classes for Jan, but Psychic Development classes as well. WHAT?!?!?! Except, there's no January calendar to be found! LOL. I sent them an email asking about it.

So, back to browsing their site, I see they are on FB (going to "become a fan" in a few..), and I see a link for "Jen's blog." No clue who Jen is, BUT I thought, well, let me check it out, on the off chance that she's on Blogspot and I can follow her. Um, she's on Blogspot. What are the odds? I mean, I know it's pretty popular, but there are many many others...

ANYWAY!!! (Man do I talk a lot! haha) I click on her blog and what is the title of the most recent entry?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I swear to God, it made me SPEAK out loud, TO MYSELF! I said, "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. AM I REALLY READING THIS?"

The title??? "ENCHANTED APOTHECARY" It took my breath away AGAIN just now as I typed it. Literally, took the wind out of me for a brief second. Here is the link.. http://enchantedcounterqueen.blogspot.com/ . It's about blended oils. Dried herbs and essential oils go hand in hand.

And the plot thickens... Perhaps I am on the right road at this moment? Dun, dun, dun....

Stay tuned.

I'd Do Anything and Everything Just To Be... Unbroken

While the Holidays were hectic, I'm a bit thankful for the craziness. With all of the running 'here and there,' my mind was kept busy and not stressing over the appointment with the (in)fertility doctor tomorrow morning. However, I think my body wants to get the emotions of this appointment out, because I have been dizzy with a migraine all day. If you don't allow yourself the break or time needed, the Universe provides it for you. It truly is not a good thing to keep any emotions bottled up.

What emotions you ask? Where do I start? I'm terrified. I'm so nervous about what may or may not be said. I know it's only the initial appointment and I actually don't even meet with the doctor at this point, only the LPN, but the nerves are still there. I have about 10 pages of forms to fill out and read sitting in front of me and I haven't even made it through the first page. What if I truly cannot have children?? I know I've brought that up in the last entry, but I am an emotional woman right now so I feel allowed to repeat myself.

But, what if this is all "no big deal," meaning nothing major is wrong with either one of us? I feel I might be getting a bit worked up at this point, not knowing anything at all. But, isn't that what we fear the most? The unknown.

I've already stated to my husband that IF there is an issue with my reproductive system, I am going through any and all holistic modalities before I even think about letting my body be subjected to and injected with hormones and other treatments. Acupuncture, EFT, Reiki ... you name it. I am not comfortable with my body being put through hormone treatments, and that is a big part of the reason I've put this appointment off for so long.

I remember being so upset with my grandmother when she was diagnosed with Acute Leukemia. She didn't want to put her body through any chemotherapy, radiation, or surgeries. Nothing had a 100% success rate and she didn't want to go through any of that with a 30% chance that it wouldn't work. I only wish she was here for me to tell her how much I understand it all now. Well that, and to hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right.

Confessions of a want-to-be Mom

While I'm fully aware that not every woman has that maternal instinct, I'm also just as aware that some of us women are put here for the sole purpose of being a Mother. I feel I am one of those women. I remember being a little kid and stuffing pillows in my shirt while playing make-believe. No matter what we were playing, I was always the pregnant "mom."

But now, at the age of 32, and not one baby yet, the anxiety is rising. Now, let it be known, I've never been "one of those girls" who had to compete with her friends on who was going to be married first, have the biggest wedding, have kids first, etc. I've also never really been the jealous type or envious of others' lives. So, it must be said that my yearning for a baby truly comes from my purpose here of being a Mom.

For the past two years, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. While some may think this is a long time, I always felt that it just wasn't our time yet, and once it was the right time, pregnancy would happen. Imagine my horror when, during a routine doctor visit, she tells me I should see an infertility specialist. She says that "technically" I'm infertile after trying to get pregnant after a year. WHAT?!?!

I, of course, was in tears before settling into my car to drive home. I mean, me? Infertile? But, I'm a woman who is MEANT to be a Mom. Meant to have babies. LOTS of babies! Infertile? No freaking way. So, I ignored her and went about my life. I mean, after all, I TRULY felt inside that it just wasn't time yet. Six months later and another routine "hey, how are things?" doctor visit and I could swear I heard the "I" word again. Maybe she should have checked my hearing? After crying my eyes out, yet again, I again went about my life. I'm telling you, it just wasn't time yet.

Now we are in the here and now. After turning 30, my periods became suddenly irregular, out of nowhere. Started off with two months of no period, to going back to a somewhat normal cycle for about 2 months, to complete haywire. I am now at the point of one stint of a month and a half of a period, to a ten day break, onto a two month stint of a period. OK. Time for a doctor visit.

This time I decided to see a gynecologist, instead of my GP. Heh, finding a good GYN was a task in itself. After much research through my insurance, and asking many trusted women about their GYN's, I started my phone calls for an appointment. I would have never guessed this would have been so difficult. I made several calls, all with various not-so-good results, causing me a lot of frustration, and yes, more tears. (I do not cry easily, or often, I SWEAR!)

While I was thinking this can't be happening, I thumbed through my list of doctors again. That's when I stumbled upon the name of a doctor I had FIRST written down, but for whatever reason hadn't called yet. After a deep breath and a quick prayer I called that office. "Hi, I am a new patient and would like to make an appointment ... What?? Really? You can get me in within two weeks??" Finally!! The appointment wasn't for the doctor I had written down, but after I looked up this doctor's bio, I was very happy and was left with a very comfortable and "at ease" feeling.

We went through the routine exam, and she also suggested an infertility specialist. Only this time, she gave me a name and number of a specialist, instead of just the 'suggestion' of seeing one. She also made me promise to go home and call him that day for an appointment. I did as I was told and much to my surprise, they were able to schedule me within a few weeks time as well. Where have these people been hiding for the past year??

So, here I am, a week away from this initial appointment and I'm filled with so many different emotions. My worthiness as a woman is in question. Possibly infertile? But, isn't that my main function as a woman? To reproduce? I'm also excited at the thought of getting pregnant and finally having a baby, but quite nervous at the road we may have to take to get there. One day I just want to lose it and cry for the whole day and the next day, I sit in eager anticipation, waiting for my appointment to finally get some answers.

This has truly been the longest two weeks of my life thus far. I'm scared that there are "longer weeks" in my future...

I'll Be There For You

What is a friend?

Webster defines friend as such:
Main Entry: 1friend
Pronunciation: \ˈfrend\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English frend, from Old English frēond; akin to Old High German friunt friend, Old English frēon to love, frēo free
Date: before 12th century
1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : acquaintance
2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4 : a favored companion
5 capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war —called also Quaker
— friend·less \ˈfren(d)-ləs\ adjective
— friend·less·ness noun
— be friends with : to have a friendship or friendly relationship with

But, for the majority of my life, I defined friend as family. My friends were the only people I had in my life to turn to, to rely on, to count on and to be there for me. My friends and I turned to each other for all issues we had growing up. While this may seem normal to most people, to me, it was a blessing to have these people in my life. I didn't have the best childhood, or the best support system, so without my friends, I would have had nothing.

I haven't always been the best at expressing myself, in a positive manner. I've always had issues showing my gratitude, expressing my thanks, and letting those I care deeply about know just how much they mean to me. I will forever be a work in progress.

And, just because I may give off a tough exterior, doesn't mean I don't care, or that I don't have feelings. It's quite the opposite actually. Most of the time I care more than people will ever know, and my feelings, well, they are there and they get hurt just like everyone else's.

So, try to think of this next time you wonder about that 'one friend' who may appear strong and put-together. It's quite possible that person DOES have feelings and DOES care, but just isn't sure how to show it. Don't assume that person won't be bothered if they are left off of the Christmas card list, or excluded from the invite list of the next gathering. Chances are, they were anxiously awaiting the card, thought, or invite, ready and willing to support or help out in any way possible. Chances are ... they just need to be given the chance.

How dreary would be the world ...

I bet we all distinctly remember the moment, as children, that we learned there was no Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth fairy, etc. I know I do.

I woke up very early one morning to use the bathroom, only to find out the tooth fairy had not shown up the night before. My mom and uncle were up and I went to them and cried that She didn't come. Did she forget about me?? The horror! I took my teary-eyed self to the bathroom and came out, to find my mom standing in the hallway, in front of my bedroom door. I attempted to round the corner to walk into my room, and my mom stopped me, telling me I had to wait. Well, she wasn't fast enough. I was able to catch a glimpse of my uncle, reaching into his pocket. Oddly enough, when I returned to bed, there was a "present" from Miss Tooth fairy. Hmmm. Being the detective that I am, I put two and two together. I went back to sleep for a bit, deciding to talk to my mom about this later. For the time being, I was still tired and just happy that I had money.

However, the damage had been done. My analytical little mind had already started working, realizing the money had come from them all those times, not the Tooth fairy. And, if there was no Tooth fairy, well, I was willing to bet there was no Easter Bunny or Santa either. So, I confronted my mom. I really don't even recall the conversation we had, figuring it all out on my own was enough for me.

These days, as an adult, I rethink my theories on there being no Santa. Little Virginia O'Hanlon brings back the belief and inspiration each year around Christmas time, all because of her letter to The Sun, back in 1897. So, while we are caught up in the hustle and bustle of "the holiday season," take a moment to remember why we love this time of year.

In honor of the person I miss the most in this world and to quote a phrase I've heard my entire life, "Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus." :

"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old. "Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. "Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.' "Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?
"VIRGINIA O'HANLON."115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET."

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

For the love of Goddess

I attended a class tonight at my favorite meta-shop. It was all about the three aspects of the Goddess. The best part was the guided meditation, which brought us to meet each aspect of the goddess. We started out next to a well, that we threw all of our problems down. We then went on a path, leading to an iron door. Once I went through the door, I was met by Kristin, who assured me this was good and I would enjoy it. She walked with me through the corridor, arm in arm, into the open area where I met the Maiden. The Maiden was lovely and beautiful, wearing a long white flowing gown and full of life and vitality. I spoke briefly with her and asked her to oversee a project I am working on. I departed with her, and Kristin, and moved into another corridor. At this point, I was literally spinning, so much so, that I thought I might fall out of the chair I was sitting in!

Walking through this corridor, I was met with ghosts and issues from my lifetimes. However, none of them touched me. I was surrounded with some sort of 'field' protecting me and my energy, while being told in my ear, from a soft voice, that I've been doing a great job dealing with the issues and ghosts and there was no need for interaction with them now. I then walked into a large room with scarlet walls, with a fountain in the center, flowing deep red water. This time I met with the Mother. Again, she was beautiful, wearing a long red flowing gown and the Mother was had such nurturing about her. We spoke briefly, then she touched my third eye, and put her hand on my heart, while holding a chalice for me to drink from with her other hand. She then instructed me to go through a doorway, which led to a very narrow hall.

This hall had amethyst points on the walls and I was able to touch them and take in their beauty. This hallway was also extremely narrow, yet I was fully comfortable and not experiencing any anxiety or feeling closed in. The next room I came upon was dark and gorgeous. There was a black pool, and when I looked into the water, I saw what had to be a vision from a past life. I was in that pool, figuratively, being drowned for my 'ways'. My vision was interrupted by the arrival of the Crone. She entered wearing a long, dark cloak, with the hood over her head. She lifter her hands to pull the hood back, revealing her long gray hair, in two braids and her beautiful face, full of wisdom and knowledge.

Around the pool were three sets of stairs, leading up to a cauldron. The Crone walked me up a set of stairs, where I was staring down into the cauldron. There was dark, inky like liquid bubbling in it and she told me if I was ready for a rebirth, to take off my clothes and get in. She also warned that there would be consequences should I do so, that a rebirth requires many actions. I wanted this full experience and I feel I am ready to move into the next phase of my life, so I went in. It was beautiful in there! I was able to stand in the liquid, surrounded by dark, having my own private moment. I felt the liquid surge up around me, surrounding me with love. I felt an overwhelming sense of love from inside there. While basking in this, I heard, "Look around." So, I walked over to the 'wall' of the cauldron to see what was there. I saw hieroglyphics on the wall. It went down a ways, with scene after scene of information. Far too much for me to fully take in or remember.

The Crone reached in to pull me out, and I was back at the top of the stairs, but fully dry. I came down and met the Crone. She also had a chalice for me to drink from. She held the chalice while I drank and then touched my third eye, my chest, and my abdomen. She then put something in my hand. It was thin and silver, somewhat like a coin, but none like I have ever seen. I was told I shall have this item in my presence one day.

I have never done a guided meditation before and I'm very happy with the outcome. I feel I'm getting better at going into a meditative state, and I am so happy that I was able to see and experience this meditation. I also can't believe how much I was spinning in the beginning!! I felt different when I left, on a bit of a high, and loving everything about life. *sigh* Goddess Bless!