Confessions of a want-to-be Mom

While I'm fully aware that not every woman has that maternal instinct, I'm also just as aware that some of us women are put here for the sole purpose of being a Mother. I feel I am one of those women. I remember being a little kid and stuffing pillows in my shirt while playing make-believe. No matter what we were playing, I was always the pregnant "mom."

But now, at the age of 32, and not one baby yet, the anxiety is rising. Now, let it be known, I've never been "one of those girls" who had to compete with her friends on who was going to be married first, have the biggest wedding, have kids first, etc. I've also never really been the jealous type or envious of others' lives. So, it must be said that my yearning for a baby truly comes from my purpose here of being a Mom.

For the past two years, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. While some may think this is a long time, I always felt that it just wasn't our time yet, and once it was the right time, pregnancy would happen. Imagine my horror when, during a routine doctor visit, she tells me I should see an infertility specialist. She says that "technically" I'm infertile after trying to get pregnant after a year. WHAT?!?!

I, of course, was in tears before settling into my car to drive home. I mean, me? Infertile? But, I'm a woman who is MEANT to be a Mom. Meant to have babies. LOTS of babies! Infertile? No freaking way. So, I ignored her and went about my life. I mean, after all, I TRULY felt inside that it just wasn't time yet. Six months later and another routine "hey, how are things?" doctor visit and I could swear I heard the "I" word again. Maybe she should have checked my hearing? After crying my eyes out, yet again, I again went about my life. I'm telling you, it just wasn't time yet.

Now we are in the here and now. After turning 30, my periods became suddenly irregular, out of nowhere. Started off with two months of no period, to going back to a somewhat normal cycle for about 2 months, to complete haywire. I am now at the point of one stint of a month and a half of a period, to a ten day break, onto a two month stint of a period. OK. Time for a doctor visit.

This time I decided to see a gynecologist, instead of my GP. Heh, finding a good GYN was a task in itself. After much research through my insurance, and asking many trusted women about their GYN's, I started my phone calls for an appointment. I would have never guessed this would have been so difficult. I made several calls, all with various not-so-good results, causing me a lot of frustration, and yes, more tears. (I do not cry easily, or often, I SWEAR!)

While I was thinking this can't be happening, I thumbed through my list of doctors again. That's when I stumbled upon the name of a doctor I had FIRST written down, but for whatever reason hadn't called yet. After a deep breath and a quick prayer I called that office. "Hi, I am a new patient and would like to make an appointment ... What?? Really? You can get me in within two weeks??" Finally!! The appointment wasn't for the doctor I had written down, but after I looked up this doctor's bio, I was very happy and was left with a very comfortable and "at ease" feeling.

We went through the routine exam, and she also suggested an infertility specialist. Only this time, she gave me a name and number of a specialist, instead of just the 'suggestion' of seeing one. She also made me promise to go home and call him that day for an appointment. I did as I was told and much to my surprise, they were able to schedule me within a few weeks time as well. Where have these people been hiding for the past year??

So, here I am, a week away from this initial appointment and I'm filled with so many different emotions. My worthiness as a woman is in question. Possibly infertile? But, isn't that my main function as a woman? To reproduce? I'm also excited at the thought of getting pregnant and finally having a baby, but quite nervous at the road we may have to take to get there. One day I just want to lose it and cry for the whole day and the next day, I sit in eager anticipation, waiting for my appointment to finally get some answers.

This has truly been the longest two weeks of my life thus far. I'm scared that there are "longer weeks" in my future...

I'll Be There For You

What is a friend?

Webster defines friend as such:
Main Entry: 1friend
Pronunciation: \ˈfrend\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English frend, from Old English frēond; akin to Old High German friunt friend, Old English frēon to love, frēo free
Date: before 12th century
1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : acquaintance
2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4 : a favored companion
5 capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war —called also Quaker
— friend·less \ˈfren(d)-ləs\ adjective
— friend·less·ness noun
— be friends with : to have a friendship or friendly relationship with

But, for the majority of my life, I defined friend as family. My friends were the only people I had in my life to turn to, to rely on, to count on and to be there for me. My friends and I turned to each other for all issues we had growing up. While this may seem normal to most people, to me, it was a blessing to have these people in my life. I didn't have the best childhood, or the best support system, so without my friends, I would have had nothing.

I haven't always been the best at expressing myself, in a positive manner. I've always had issues showing my gratitude, expressing my thanks, and letting those I care deeply about know just how much they mean to me. I will forever be a work in progress.

And, just because I may give off a tough exterior, doesn't mean I don't care, or that I don't have feelings. It's quite the opposite actually. Most of the time I care more than people will ever know, and my feelings, well, they are there and they get hurt just like everyone else's.

So, try to think of this next time you wonder about that 'one friend' who may appear strong and put-together. It's quite possible that person DOES have feelings and DOES care, but just isn't sure how to show it. Don't assume that person won't be bothered if they are left off of the Christmas card list, or excluded from the invite list of the next gathering. Chances are, they were anxiously awaiting the card, thought, or invite, ready and willing to support or help out in any way possible. Chances are ... they just need to be given the chance.

How dreary would be the world ...

I bet we all distinctly remember the moment, as children, that we learned there was no Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth fairy, etc. I know I do.

I woke up very early one morning to use the bathroom, only to find out the tooth fairy had not shown up the night before. My mom and uncle were up and I went to them and cried that She didn't come. Did she forget about me?? The horror! I took my teary-eyed self to the bathroom and came out, to find my mom standing in the hallway, in front of my bedroom door. I attempted to round the corner to walk into my room, and my mom stopped me, telling me I had to wait. Well, she wasn't fast enough. I was able to catch a glimpse of my uncle, reaching into his pocket. Oddly enough, when I returned to bed, there was a "present" from Miss Tooth fairy. Hmmm. Being the detective that I am, I put two and two together. I went back to sleep for a bit, deciding to talk to my mom about this later. For the time being, I was still tired and just happy that I had money.

However, the damage had been done. My analytical little mind had already started working, realizing the money had come from them all those times, not the Tooth fairy. And, if there was no Tooth fairy, well, I was willing to bet there was no Easter Bunny or Santa either. So, I confronted my mom. I really don't even recall the conversation we had, figuring it all out on my own was enough for me.

These days, as an adult, I rethink my theories on there being no Santa. Little Virginia O'Hanlon brings back the belief and inspiration each year around Christmas time, all because of her letter to The Sun, back in 1897. So, while we are caught up in the hustle and bustle of "the holiday season," take a moment to remember why we love this time of year.

In honor of the person I miss the most in this world and to quote a phrase I've heard my entire life, "Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus." :

"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old. "Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. "Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.' "Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?
"VIRGINIA O'HANLON."115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET."

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.