Have YOU seen my muffin?

I'll give you fair warning right now - this entry is going to contain far too much personal information and will be a bit graphic at times. However, if you continue to read, I'm sure you'll have a nice laugh if you're not woozy. Now is when your fight or flight should kick in and you decide to fight it out and continue to read, or flight right on out of here.

Glad to see you stayed. =)

This bumpy ride that I call "fertility clinic visits" has taken away any modesty I may have had. Honestly. My vagina has been exposed to more strangers in the past two weeks than ever before in my life. It has also been probed with more objects than Cartman's ass. (You must be a fan of South Park to get that one.)

I have had an internal ultrasound, an endometrial biopsy and an HSG test. For those of you non-medical folk, I'll break those down for you. The internal ultrasound consisted of a "wand" that was thin, with a little knob on the end, covered in ultrasound "goo" and inserted inside of me. The fun part was, I got to see my ovaries and uterus on a screen while the ultrasound was being performed. Did I know I was looking at my ovaries and uterus? No. But, I'm glad the nurse told me. On a scale of 1 - 10, this one was about a 5 comfort level, with 10 being complete comfort.

Fast forward to two weeks later and we get to the endometrial biopsy. Now, it was explained to me that I would feel some cramping during this one. I did feel a slight twinge of pain for a mere second and thought, "Huh. That wasn't so bad." Well wouldn't ya know? I apparently had a "non-cooperative cervix" at that moment, so we got to redo the whole thing again the next day!

The next day comes and, again, I am told of the cramping prior and on this comfort scale, this one is getting a big fat 1! Oh and did I mention that the HSG test was performed immediately after? I mean, why expose my vagina yet again, since it's already out in the open, right? The HSG test consisted of dye being injected into my "reproductive area" and then a series of x-rays were taken to be sure that there was no blockage anywhere. This comfort level was about a 9. It really wasn't bad at all.

And, by this point I was even joking with the nurses about everyone seeing my vagina. You might be sitting here, reading all of this, and wondering why there are so many details about all of this. But, I figured since you decided to stay and keep reading, that I should entertain you. Please don't mistake any of this as complaining, because it's quite the opposite actually. I've come to find all of this entertaining. If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at? Really, this process (and I'm only in the very beginning stages), is pretty overwhelming and I can handle that in several ways. I choose to laugh mostly, cry minimally, and list the clinic as a residence on next year's taxes.

OH! And one other thing? I've become so accustomed to sitting (or laying) in a room with only a shirt and socks on, with a hospital sheet "over my lap" that I'm thinking of pitching this look to Project Runway as an episode challenge. What do you think?

Imagine my excitement!

OK, this cannot go unnoticed (or talked about)! So, a few weeks ago, I distinctly remember hearing the word "apothecary" at two different times during that week. The second time, I wrote it down (I was at work), and decided to look it up once I got home.

I looked up the meaning and it said things like....pharmacist, dispensing pharmaceutical products, etc. So, I'm thinking...OK?? I'm hearing this word, what does it mean?? I've been asking and asking to show me direction. I was a pharmacy tech in the past, so did this mean I should go back to that? Quite honestly, I didn't get that "YES!" feel when I asked if I should go back to it, so I left it alone. You know, we don't always get all the answers at once.

So, here I am searching, and googling my ass off, trying to find Reiki classes around here (for a reasonable price!). While searching, I found a school, not TOO far from me, that teaches Holisitic Massage and Reflexology. Not wanting to be a follower (Michele is a Massage Therapist), I have just thought about it for a day or two. I talked to Michele about it last night, asked what her tuition was. When she told me I wasn't sure what to think. She said her tuition was around $11,000, and was probably up to about $13,000 at this point.

I sat there..."BLINK BLINK"....."BLINK BLINK"... "Um, I found this site, the tuition was $7000, down to $5500 with an economic stimulus tuition roll back...." I asked her to check the site out and am still waiting to hear from her. Regardless of all of that.....

So, I searching YET again today and I find the Aspectarian online. I'm browsing that, writing down various sites from the zine when I come across one of the shops near me that I haven't yet been to or checked out. I go to their website to check things out. It says that not only are they planning Reiki classes for Jan, but Psychic Development classes as well. WHAT?!?!?! Except, there's no January calendar to be found! LOL. I sent them an email asking about it.

So, back to browsing their site, I see they are on FB (going to "become a fan" in a few..), and I see a link for "Jen's blog." No clue who Jen is, BUT I thought, well, let me check it out, on the off chance that she's on Blogspot and I can follow her. Um, she's on Blogspot. What are the odds? I mean, I know it's pretty popular, but there are many many others...

ANYWAY!!! (Man do I talk a lot! haha) I click on her blog and what is the title of the most recent entry?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I swear to God, it made me SPEAK out loud, TO MYSELF! I said, "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. AM I REALLY READING THIS?"

The title??? "ENCHANTED APOTHECARY" It took my breath away AGAIN just now as I typed it. Literally, took the wind out of me for a brief second. Here is the link.. http://enchantedcounterqueen.blogspot.com/ . It's about blended oils. Dried herbs and essential oils go hand in hand.

And the plot thickens... Perhaps I am on the right road at this moment? Dun, dun, dun....

Stay tuned.

I'd Do Anything and Everything Just To Be... Unbroken

While the Holidays were hectic, I'm a bit thankful for the craziness. With all of the running 'here and there,' my mind was kept busy and not stressing over the appointment with the (in)fertility doctor tomorrow morning. However, I think my body wants to get the emotions of this appointment out, because I have been dizzy with a migraine all day. If you don't allow yourself the break or time needed, the Universe provides it for you. It truly is not a good thing to keep any emotions bottled up.

What emotions you ask? Where do I start? I'm terrified. I'm so nervous about what may or may not be said. I know it's only the initial appointment and I actually don't even meet with the doctor at this point, only the LPN, but the nerves are still there. I have about 10 pages of forms to fill out and read sitting in front of me and I haven't even made it through the first page. What if I truly cannot have children?? I know I've brought that up in the last entry, but I am an emotional woman right now so I feel allowed to repeat myself.

But, what if this is all "no big deal," meaning nothing major is wrong with either one of us? I feel I might be getting a bit worked up at this point, not knowing anything at all. But, isn't that what we fear the most? The unknown.

I've already stated to my husband that IF there is an issue with my reproductive system, I am going through any and all holistic modalities before I even think about letting my body be subjected to and injected with hormones and other treatments. Acupuncture, EFT, Reiki ... you name it. I am not comfortable with my body being put through hormone treatments, and that is a big part of the reason I've put this appointment off for so long.

I remember being so upset with my grandmother when she was diagnosed with Acute Leukemia. She didn't want to put her body through any chemotherapy, radiation, or surgeries. Nothing had a 100% success rate and she didn't want to go through any of that with a 30% chance that it wouldn't work. I only wish she was here for me to tell her how much I understand it all now. Well that, and to hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right.