Confessions of a want-to-be Mom

While I'm fully aware that not every woman has that maternal instinct, I'm also just as aware that some of us women are put here for the sole purpose of being a Mother. I feel I am one of those women. I remember being a little kid and stuffing pillows in my shirt while playing make-believe. No matter what we were playing, I was always the pregnant "mom."

But now, at the age of 32, and not one baby yet, the anxiety is rising. Now, let it be known, I've never been "one of those girls" who had to compete with her friends on who was going to be married first, have the biggest wedding, have kids first, etc. I've also never really been the jealous type or envious of others' lives. So, it must be said that my yearning for a baby truly comes from my purpose here of being a Mom.

For the past two years, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. While some may think this is a long time, I always felt that it just wasn't our time yet, and once it was the right time, pregnancy would happen. Imagine my horror when, during a routine doctor visit, she tells me I should see an infertility specialist. She says that "technically" I'm infertile after trying to get pregnant after a year. WHAT?!?!

I, of course, was in tears before settling into my car to drive home. I mean, me? Infertile? But, I'm a woman who is MEANT to be a Mom. Meant to have babies. LOTS of babies! Infertile? No freaking way. So, I ignored her and went about my life. I mean, after all, I TRULY felt inside that it just wasn't time yet. Six months later and another routine "hey, how are things?" doctor visit and I could swear I heard the "I" word again. Maybe she should have checked my hearing? After crying my eyes out, yet again, I again went about my life. I'm telling you, it just wasn't time yet.

Now we are in the here and now. After turning 30, my periods became suddenly irregular, out of nowhere. Started off with two months of no period, to going back to a somewhat normal cycle for about 2 months, to complete haywire. I am now at the point of one stint of a month and a half of a period, to a ten day break, onto a two month stint of a period. OK. Time for a doctor visit.

This time I decided to see a gynecologist, instead of my GP. Heh, finding a good GYN was a task in itself. After much research through my insurance, and asking many trusted women about their GYN's, I started my phone calls for an appointment. I would have never guessed this would have been so difficult. I made several calls, all with various not-so-good results, causing me a lot of frustration, and yes, more tears. (I do not cry easily, or often, I SWEAR!)

While I was thinking this can't be happening, I thumbed through my list of doctors again. That's when I stumbled upon the name of a doctor I had FIRST written down, but for whatever reason hadn't called yet. After a deep breath and a quick prayer I called that office. "Hi, I am a new patient and would like to make an appointment ... What?? Really? You can get me in within two weeks??" Finally!! The appointment wasn't for the doctor I had written down, but after I looked up this doctor's bio, I was very happy and was left with a very comfortable and "at ease" feeling.

We went through the routine exam, and she also suggested an infertility specialist. Only this time, she gave me a name and number of a specialist, instead of just the 'suggestion' of seeing one. She also made me promise to go home and call him that day for an appointment. I did as I was told and much to my surprise, they were able to schedule me within a few weeks time as well. Where have these people been hiding for the past year??

So, here I am, a week away from this initial appointment and I'm filled with so many different emotions. My worthiness as a woman is in question. Possibly infertile? But, isn't that my main function as a woman? To reproduce? I'm also excited at the thought of getting pregnant and finally having a baby, but quite nervous at the road we may have to take to get there. One day I just want to lose it and cry for the whole day and the next day, I sit in eager anticipation, waiting for my appointment to finally get some answers.

This has truly been the longest two weeks of my life thus far. I'm scared that there are "longer weeks" in my future...

I'll Be There For You

What is a friend?

Webster defines friend as such:
Main Entry: 1friend
Pronunciation: \ˈfrend\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English frend, from Old English frēond; akin to Old High German friunt friend, Old English frēon to love, frēo free
Date: before 12th century
1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : acquaintance
2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4 : a favored companion
5 capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war —called also Quaker
— friend·less \ˈfren(d)-ləs\ adjective
— friend·less·ness noun
— be friends with : to have a friendship or friendly relationship with

But, for the majority of my life, I defined friend as family. My friends were the only people I had in my life to turn to, to rely on, to count on and to be there for me. My friends and I turned to each other for all issues we had growing up. While this may seem normal to most people, to me, it was a blessing to have these people in my life. I didn't have the best childhood, or the best support system, so without my friends, I would have had nothing.

I haven't always been the best at expressing myself, in a positive manner. I've always had issues showing my gratitude, expressing my thanks, and letting those I care deeply about know just how much they mean to me. I will forever be a work in progress.

And, just because I may give off a tough exterior, doesn't mean I don't care, or that I don't have feelings. It's quite the opposite actually. Most of the time I care more than people will ever know, and my feelings, well, they are there and they get hurt just like everyone else's.

So, try to think of this next time you wonder about that 'one friend' who may appear strong and put-together. It's quite possible that person DOES have feelings and DOES care, but just isn't sure how to show it. Don't assume that person won't be bothered if they are left off of the Christmas card list, or excluded from the invite list of the next gathering. Chances are, they were anxiously awaiting the card, thought, or invite, ready and willing to support or help out in any way possible. Chances are ... they just need to be given the chance.

How dreary would be the world ...

I bet we all distinctly remember the moment, as children, that we learned there was no Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth fairy, etc. I know I do.

I woke up very early one morning to use the bathroom, only to find out the tooth fairy had not shown up the night before. My mom and uncle were up and I went to them and cried that She didn't come. Did she forget about me?? The horror! I took my teary-eyed self to the bathroom and came out, to find my mom standing in the hallway, in front of my bedroom door. I attempted to round the corner to walk into my room, and my mom stopped me, telling me I had to wait. Well, she wasn't fast enough. I was able to catch a glimpse of my uncle, reaching into his pocket. Oddly enough, when I returned to bed, there was a "present" from Miss Tooth fairy. Hmmm. Being the detective that I am, I put two and two together. I went back to sleep for a bit, deciding to talk to my mom about this later. For the time being, I was still tired and just happy that I had money.

However, the damage had been done. My analytical little mind had already started working, realizing the money had come from them all those times, not the Tooth fairy. And, if there was no Tooth fairy, well, I was willing to bet there was no Easter Bunny or Santa either. So, I confronted my mom. I really don't even recall the conversation we had, figuring it all out on my own was enough for me.

These days, as an adult, I rethink my theories on there being no Santa. Little Virginia O'Hanlon brings back the belief and inspiration each year around Christmas time, all because of her letter to The Sun, back in 1897. So, while we are caught up in the hustle and bustle of "the holiday season," take a moment to remember why we love this time of year.

In honor of the person I miss the most in this world and to quote a phrase I've heard my entire life, "Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus." :

"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old. "Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. "Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.' "Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?
"VIRGINIA O'HANLON."115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET."

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

For the love of Goddess

I attended a class tonight at my favorite meta-shop. It was all about the three aspects of the Goddess. The best part was the guided meditation, which brought us to meet each aspect of the goddess. We started out next to a well, that we threw all of our problems down. We then went on a path, leading to an iron door. Once I went through the door, I was met by Kristin, who assured me this was good and I would enjoy it. She walked with me through the corridor, arm in arm, into the open area where I met the Maiden. The Maiden was lovely and beautiful, wearing a long white flowing gown and full of life and vitality. I spoke briefly with her and asked her to oversee a project I am working on. I departed with her, and Kristin, and moved into another corridor. At this point, I was literally spinning, so much so, that I thought I might fall out of the chair I was sitting in!

Walking through this corridor, I was met with ghosts and issues from my lifetimes. However, none of them touched me. I was surrounded with some sort of 'field' protecting me and my energy, while being told in my ear, from a soft voice, that I've been doing a great job dealing with the issues and ghosts and there was no need for interaction with them now. I then walked into a large room with scarlet walls, with a fountain in the center, flowing deep red water. This time I met with the Mother. Again, she was beautiful, wearing a long red flowing gown and the Mother was had such nurturing about her. We spoke briefly, then she touched my third eye, and put her hand on my heart, while holding a chalice for me to drink from with her other hand. She then instructed me to go through a doorway, which led to a very narrow hall.

This hall had amethyst points on the walls and I was able to touch them and take in their beauty. This hallway was also extremely narrow, yet I was fully comfortable and not experiencing any anxiety or feeling closed in. The next room I came upon was dark and gorgeous. There was a black pool, and when I looked into the water, I saw what had to be a vision from a past life. I was in that pool, figuratively, being drowned for my 'ways'. My vision was interrupted by the arrival of the Crone. She entered wearing a long, dark cloak, with the hood over her head. She lifter her hands to pull the hood back, revealing her long gray hair, in two braids and her beautiful face, full of wisdom and knowledge.

Around the pool were three sets of stairs, leading up to a cauldron. The Crone walked me up a set of stairs, where I was staring down into the cauldron. There was dark, inky like liquid bubbling in it and she told me if I was ready for a rebirth, to take off my clothes and get in. She also warned that there would be consequences should I do so, that a rebirth requires many actions. I wanted this full experience and I feel I am ready to move into the next phase of my life, so I went in. It was beautiful in there! I was able to stand in the liquid, surrounded by dark, having my own private moment. I felt the liquid surge up around me, surrounding me with love. I felt an overwhelming sense of love from inside there. While basking in this, I heard, "Look around." So, I walked over to the 'wall' of the cauldron to see what was there. I saw hieroglyphics on the wall. It went down a ways, with scene after scene of information. Far too much for me to fully take in or remember.

The Crone reached in to pull me out, and I was back at the top of the stairs, but fully dry. I came down and met the Crone. She also had a chalice for me to drink from. She held the chalice while I drank and then touched my third eye, my chest, and my abdomen. She then put something in my hand. It was thin and silver, somewhat like a coin, but none like I have ever seen. I was told I shall have this item in my presence one day.

I have never done a guided meditation before and I'm very happy with the outcome. I feel I'm getting better at going into a meditative state, and I am so happy that I was able to see and experience this meditation. I also can't believe how much I was spinning in the beginning!! I felt different when I left, on a bit of a high, and loving everything about life. *sigh* Goddess Bless!

A Visit from a Friend

Usually our drive home from Michigan consists of me, driving with the radio off, leaving me to my thoughts, while the hubs dozes off. This evening however, I decided to play the "radio game" while driving. The radio game consists of me hitting the 'scan' button and letting the radio automatically flip through the stations, and when I hear a song I like, I stop the scanning. Most times, the radio just scans and scans, and allows for background 'noise' while I drive.

During the drive, my thoughts drifted off to wanting more time to practice readings and connections. I thought, I need to find someone to work with, allowing me to practice on a somewhat regular basis. Hey, maybe hubs would be a willing participant. Maybe I can ask him who he'd like me to try to connect with. While these thoughts are happening, I hear a very familiar and much LOVED song on the radio, so I quickly stop the scanner. The song was Far Behind by Candlebox. I know, old song, but the song has much significance for me. That was one of "mine and Kristin's" songs. And, for the first time since she's passed, the words to this song actually spoke to me. It was Kristin, communicating with me.

Why didn't I think of this already? Here I was, thinking about how I need someone to work with, and then Kristin appears!! For whatever reason, my mind was thinking someone in the physical, but my request was answered immediately, and the answer was someone in spirit. Of course!! How silly of me to NOT think that in the first place! I asked her, you will work with me? You will help me with my connections? Why did I not think of this? You are someone I completely trust to turn to for messages.

I even asked about my grandmother, because I thought, for sure, she would be my 'helper', but for whatever reason it is Kristin. And? I am so OK and comfortable with that! Actually, I LOVE it!

After that song was over, I went back to scan. If you're not familiar with the 'scan' feature on the car radio, this button flips through the stations, stopping for 15-20 seconds on every channel it picks up. In those 15-20 seconds that each channel idled, I was given so many lines of answers to all of my questions. Gosh, she makes me smile! Then, I asked her, Come on Kris, give me something more. Give me another song. I need to KNOW this is for real.

I got the most amazing answer. A song I've heard before, but never paid much attention to, I'm Yours by Jason Mraz. While, to most, this is a love song, but to me, it was my answer.

(the lines in bold and italics are the ones that spoke to me)
Well, you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, and I'm tryin to get back before the cool done run out
I'll be givin it my bestest and nothin's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
I won't hesitate no more, no more, it cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
It's your God forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved
So, I won't hesitate no more, no more, it cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate our time is short this is our fate, I'm yours
Do you want to come closer, dear? And I will nibble your ear.
I've been spendin' way too long checkin' my tongue in the mirror and bendin' over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass and so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm a sayin' is there ain't no better reason to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do our name is our virtue
I won't hesitate no more, no more it cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate our time is short it cannot wait, I'm yours.
No please don't hesitate no more, no more it cannot wait, the sky is yours!

Now, I must admit, this isn't the song I was hoping for. I was truly hoping for the other one of "our songs," but this one confirmed AND answered questions for me. I told her how much I love her and how I wish I could just squeeze her. But, I am so incredibly happy about her visit and our new-found connection. And, I cannot wait for our future endeavors. I can't say it enough, I truly love this girl!

Council of Transmission

I may have just had my first solo meditation experience and encounter. I was laying in bed with the hubs and as he fell asleep, I tried 'drifting' off to find my 'place'. I've recently learned that having a place to 'go to' is vital, so I wanted to find mine. That is not an easy task!

I went from 'looking' at various different peaceful, beautiful, serene places and just not 'feeling' them, to hearing the word "cosmos." Then, I remembered the Crystal Bowl Meditation I attended, and 'traveling' through the galaxy. I then went to this beach, not just any beach, MY beach. As I thought that exact sentence, both of my ears started ringing. I looked along the shoreline to find one white house on the coast. Only one. My house. I said that I didn't want to meet up with anyone there, just wanted to 'find' the place so I knew where to go in the future. I was urged to go in, just for a moment. Inside there was a council, 4 members. When I questioned, "Only four?" I was told that I was the fifth member. Me? No. That's not possible, being part of this council was too "big" for me. (I'm now thinking that I am the fifth member of the council for this life experience?) I was then told, "No, not too big. Don't think on those terms. You are unaware of how powerful you are." This brought immediate tears to my eyes.

The hubs moved some, bringing me back to my tear-soaked pillow. I made a note to remember this - to travel through the cosmos (galaxy) to get to my beach. I got out of bed, to get something to drink, and as I was walking toward the bedroom door, I clearly heard "Council of Transmission."

Is this the name of this council? I came to the computer to look up the exact definition of transmission, and wrote down the synonyms: transfer, passage, passing, conveyance. I am excited to learn what all this means and to visit my place again.

As I sat down to type this, my right ear started a loud ringing. I also envisioned a beautiful, purple, fairy playground as well. I will try visiting this place soon too!

The Act of Coming Out

I've always held a strong compassion for anyone who is gay. I've fully understood their feelings of coming out, fear of reactions from loved ones and friends, and the fight for the right to be who they are. I attributed this to having gay family members, one of which I am extremely close to. I thought that was why I was able to empathize with their feelings and understand where they are coming from in their fears.

However, I now know those are not the reasons. Finally coming into myself and who I truly am, has brought me to the realization that I, too, must 'come out' at some point and will go through much of the same criticism as those from the gay community.

I didn't wake up one day and say, "I'm going to be psychic and communicate with dead people." Just like they didn't wake up one day and say, "I think I'm going to be gay."

I'm not going to walk up to people I meet and say, "Hi, I'm V. Nice to meet you. By the way, I'm psychic."

While I've touched on the subject here and there with various friends and family members, I've yet to fully divulge the extent of it all. To me, this is a delicate process that doesn't need to be announced to the world all at once. This is information, about myself, that shall be shared with the right people, at the right times. It's not something I need to open up about to everyone. I'm sure the vast majority of the "normal" world doesn't give up their deep secrets just for the hell of it. And, for the record, I think my 'community of psi folk' are "normal," and everyone else is off. =)

But, as it is with anything else, one day, we WILL be the norm and it will be OK to talk about spirits, psychics, mediums, witches, fairies, orbs, astral travel, goddesses, angels, ETs - you name it! - without getting that weird look and reaction from those who consider themselves "normal."

So, here's to all of my psychic buddies, who cherish all that is abnormal to the masses, and keep on keeping on, being themselves, in all of their psychic glory!

Goddess Bless!

Spirit Guide Reading

I received this amazing reading from an amazing friend named Sue! ~~~~~~

Ok, wow, this is cool. I was leaning back in my chair, trying to connect, and I ask the universe, 'Who is Virginia's Spirit Guide? The FIRST imagery I received was a ROULETTE WHEEL spinning around up in space.....with me at the center of it. NUMEROLOGY was my first thought after seeing this because I saw the red/black squares with the white numbers on them.......spinning around and around me........Very cool when I realized oh YES the numerology is Virginia's study! SO, you Guide is definitely helping you with your study of numerology. (NO I didn't take this first image to connotate you running off to the casino for the weekend! Just had to throw that one in there.....LOL.)

Definitely a scientific mind - a male. Old energy. He corrected me to say 'Ancient energy.' I am hearing this as a 'consortium of brilliant minds.' I'm already telling him he might 'lose me' so he'll have to slow down because I'm not that quick with scientific concepts. SO, I am hearing that you, my dear, are a part of this whole Spirit Soul Group of scientifically advanced souls, those who are using science to advance humanity in positive ways.

Your purpose as a part of this soul group in this lifetime is 'communication.' They are 'in Spirit' and have those who chose to incarnate on the Earth during this time to communicate with them and use the knowledge imparted by them, to improve circumstances on the Earth plane.

I'm talking 'big' energy here - Einstein is the first imagery that appeared in relation to this soulgroup. Also William James. Ooohhhhh - After William James I heard 'Barack Obama.' Now, isn't THAT curious? You are in Illinois, right? Curiouser, and curiouser. Oprah WInfrey is in Illinois, too..........I am being presented with these names, and their relation to Illinois in the country of the USA on the earth, during this time, this collage of images and faces and entities........Abraham Lincoln, too...........SO I am seeing this 'group' as being very very large, and very very influential in the direction of both this country and the planet as a whole.

So, when you feel 'less than' I am being instructed to inform you that you are a 'piece of this huge puzzle' of Spirit who is working without end to better the energies and improve the outcome for all humanity. (Cool, girlfriend!)I don't know if 'Einstein' has a connection to Illinois, but I'm certain he visited there......I'm just seeing imagery of 'light' coming from this centralized location in the US - and how this Light is like one of those spotlights that sweep the night sky but a million times brighter. Pushing back the darkness, they say.

I hear Jonas Salk and I feel he is presenting to say he is helping those in search of a vaccine for the Swine Flu. Interesting, I just saw Bill Clinton as a member of this soul group too. AHHHHH - Hilary Clinton is from Illinois!!!!! My goodness girl. The connectivity of all of this is giving me goosebumps. It is difficult to get them to come down to a personal level for you to be very honest. They are so united in their work for the 'whole' that they aren't into the minute stuff of an individual soul's life plan. I'd say that they provided you with the 'tool' of numerology to aid in your understanding of the connectivity of the ALL. Mathematicians and scientists - those energies, are very important - to aid in the understanding of the Universe. Numerology teaches about this - how Spirit/Science are really ONE. Science is another expression of Spirit - and those with that type of 'brilliant' mind can see that connection if they can make the leap between the left/right brain connundrum. Whew - fast thinkers here!

So, I asked for a name for your Spirit Guide. They said - just use the 'code word' Albert. As is the usual case lately - the Guides are telling me to look for the meaning behind each individual letter of this 'codeword.' Off the top of my 'intuition' I 'see'
ALL
LOVE
BEYOND
EARTH
REVERBERATES
TIMELESSLY

Ummmmmm -= WOW ................Ummmmmmm My GOODNESS! I am stepping away because this is a huge reading and I am letting this much sink in for you, and for me, and for the ALL. blessingssuePS - They left me with imagery of Mark Twain (Samuel Clemons) and the riverboats on the Mississippi - the 'border' between Missouri (me) and Illinois (you) and a neat 'tie-in' to the roulette wheel imagery (ie gambling riverboats.) So........Mark Twain is a part of this awesome group, too - and he didn't want me to forget his amazing and eloquent energy! VERY COOL.

Of course, the river in relation to this reading cannot be ignored. Water is a huge Spiritual messenger, and I am seeing this river flowing swiftly and surely and cleanly and confidently in this image. Very good image of CHANGE and GROWTH and LOVE and PEACE and HEALTH for ALL. And, again, in the 'border' imagery, saying that Spirit/water and Science/ Roulette wheel of numbers are intertwined here........the 'tool' of the numbers AFLOAT on the river of water/Spirit in the Riverboat which brings the two together - wow, wow, wow. Thanks, Mr. Clemons for that wonderful imagery!

Life Contracts

Have you ever been in 'that' moment when you stop and think (or actually SAY), "I DID NOT sign up for this!"?

I was thinking that exact thing for a moment today, when I realized, that thought couldn't be more untrue! We, in fact, DID sign up for this - this lifetime and all that in entails, good and bad. I seem to struggle with keeping the momentum of positivity when life itself gets overwhelming.

I find it very difficult to be invested 100% in something when the other people involved are only invested a portion of that. It's difficult when a large amount of responsibility lies solely on one person. Which leads me to the dynamic of men/women relationships.

'Back in the day,' women stayed home and did all of the household duties while catering to their working husbands. Why is it that this theme seems to continue, in this day and age, while the women ALSO hold jobs of their own? Career, family, cleaning, bills, grocery shopping, and the list goes on. I find that quite a load for one person. But, as sexist as this sounds, I don't feel that the majority of men would be able to handle the responsibility of the above mentioned 'load'.

With a lot on my mind and a few recent experiences of carrying a large amount of the responsibility, I'm finding myself in a place I don't like being in. My 'happy place' awaits me. Hopefully it won't take me much longer to get back there.

White Rose

I want to share a story. My grandmother, who I think was the greatest woman to ever live, passed away almost 9 years ago. Her death did a number on me, and I spent a lot of time in denial. Quite a few years, actually. She passed in November of 2000, and when her birthday came in March, I couldn't bring myself to go to the cemetary. I decided that, if I was unable to bring myself there beforehand, I would MAKE myself go on the anniversary of her death. I also decided that I would bring a single rose each time I went, as a little gift for her.

November 29, 2001, after work, I ran into Dominick's to grab a rose for her. I went into the little cooler thing they have the flowers in. They had all different colored roses, seperated into their own buckets, with a 'name' given to each color. Up until this point, I was unaware of this naming thing. I was glancing at all the 'names' of the roses when my eyes fell upon the name of the white rose. My heart jumped into my throat and my eyes welled up with tears.

The name of the white rose? Virginia. My grandmother's name. Our name. That was what one of my friends would call......an Angel moment. :-)

Mystic Angel

I just picked up a copy of Doreen Virtue's, Realm of the Earth Angels. I have her previous book, Earth Angels, which I loved. However, I felt like I connected with more than one of the groups in her book. I, obviously, connected with one more than the other, but still felt a STRONG connection to both. So, like many other I'm sure, I was a little confused. And then....I find this book!!! Realm of the Earth Angels elaborates a bit more on characteristics of Earth Angels, and talks of hybrids of Wise Ones, which I believe I am.

When you look into the eyes of a Mystic Angel, you see compassion. The Mystic Angels are half Wise Ones and half Incarnated Angels. Mystic Angels share much of the same characteristics as Incarnated Angels, in that they're loving, helpful, and caring. Yet, since they've had several lifetimes on Earth (as Incarnated Angels), they're street-smart and edgy. They might cuss, abuse alcohol, or gamble (two out of three ain't bad...hehe).....yet they're still angels.
Mystic Angels appreciate rules because they abhor chaos. Like Incarnated Angels, they'll apologize. Yet they only say "I'm sorry" because it's a fast way to clear up conflict, and not because they feel guilty. Incarnated Angels have the corner on harboring guilt feelings among the realms.
Mystic Angels have the hard-won wisdom that comes from many lifetimes of helping in the trenches of wars and conflict. Even though they've seen it all, Mystic Angels still retain faith in the goodness of humanity.
Mystic Angels aren't timid in front of audiences compared to Incarnated Angels. With their Wise One heritage, Mystic Angels make wonderful teachers, speakers, and workshop presenters. They love to teach about healing techniques and offer tips for happy living.
Mystic Angels aren't afraid to acknowledge the shadow side of life. They clearly see the ego issues behind human dramas. The focus and language of a Mystic Angel is a bit darker and earthier than that of an Incarnated Angel (which is a realm that doesn't like to look at or acknowledge problems or shadows).
One Mystic Angel described her realm's characteristics in this way: "We like to use both Angel Oracle Cards and also Tarot cards. We're healers who are know-it-alls. Because we've been killed in previous lifetimes, we're often afraid to come out of the spiritual closet. But when we do, we fly high and fast in putting our purpose into action."

LIFE-PATH WORK FOR WISE ONES
As a Wise One, you're a natural-born leader who's respected because of your charisma, your air of confidence, the way that you carry yourself, and your personal power. People naturally respect and admire you; they're even intimidated by you. So, they feel comfortable following your lead.
Due to your many lifetimes of spiritual learning and teaching, you'd probably enjoy a career as a spiritual teacher, astrologer, psychic, spiritual healer, channeler, or oracle-card reader.

I really connect with a lot of what is written here and the life-path work is right up my alley! I would enjoy any one of those careers. I found a great Bible quote in this book as well as some very inspiration words that spoke to me. Plus, the I love the words "Mystic Angel." I've never heard anything so fitting in my life.

Life

What is the meaning of life? I think it's safe to say no one has an exact answer for this. But, we all still ponder over this question nonetheless. Knowing that life has a meaning for each of us, a purpose causes me to wonder about certain things. For example.....those certain songs or movies that create extreme emotion from an unknown place. Why is there such a connection when they don't necessarily pertain to your life or anything you've experienced?

We are all here for a purpose, right? I'll answer myself, "Yes, that's right." I am currently searching for my purpose. No, I'm waiting for my purpose to be shown to me. I know many different avenues have been placed before me, but I have to wonder.....how many of these avenues must I travel on, only to find out, this isn't the path?

I'm not the best with patience and I do like instant gratification. Perhaps that's my lesson here. To learn patience and know that, just because it's not instant, doesn't mean there won't be gratification. I notice myself surrounded now by many that have found their paths. I envy them for knowing who they are and what they are to do in this lifetime. I understand my answers will come. I just need to keep my requests and gratitudes going on a steady basis.

Wow! Did it just hit me?? I paused from typing to take a bite of soup and?........
This whole time I've been feeling as though I should be in school, studying something. Yet, I'm not, so I shamefully admit that I spend a lot of time on the internet (FB, Pogo, etc.). Yet, I look around me and I have multiple books that I haven't even touched yet! The classroom is sitting right here in front of my face!!! If I was in school, I would spend less time on the internet, because I would be studying or doing homework. DUH! Spend less time on the internet NOW, because I have plenty to learn at my fingertips as I speak!

And one reason for starting this blog has just surfaced.

I Am Me

What does that mean? I'm figuring it all out. But, I do know that I am going to be me, regardless of what others think about it. If I was meant to live my life for others, I wouldn't be where I am now.

Will everyone agree with my life choices and decisions? Probably not.

Will I meet opposition? Absolutely.

Will it stop me or hold me down? NO!!

I am moving into a different place in my life. It's been a long time coming, and I am happy and thankful that I've finally allowed it to happen. The negativity that was such an abundant part of my life, is no longer. I won't allow it. Of course we all have our bad days, but for it to consume my life the way it used to just isn't an option. Not everyone will understand, agree, or even be supportive. And? I am OK with that. Those who are important and matter will love me and accept me, no matter what.

Life has a plan for us all. A plan that we laid out for ourselves, before we were even born. My plan is starting to come to fruition. What exactly does that mean for me? That answer, I don't exactly know, but I do know this.........There will always be room on my magic carpet or a place on the back of my broom for anyone who wants to enjoy this wonderful ride with me!

I'm 'A' Sensitive, and I'd Like to Stay That Way

I've had this title in my head for days now, searching for the right place to put it. And? I found it!! For any Jewel fans, this is a play on her song I'm Sensitive. It's one of my favorite songs by her, and quite fitting for how I've been feeling lately. I AM a sensitive, and I DO want to stay that way. Of course, I know that isn't going to change, but I don't want to deal with the harsh skepticism from others that aren't as accepting of the gifts I've been given. Day by day I realize more and more. New doors are opened, new opportunities are realized. And, most recently, new abilities are presented. Medium. Who'd a thunk it? I'm going to sit down one of these days and actually write out all of the different ways my gift has manifested. It's a very wonderful, powerful thing and each day I'm learning more on how to handle it. Right now, my main concern is being a sensitive and not letting anyone ruin my spirit.