A Sacred Inner and Outer Journey

I spent many years searching for my purpose in life.  In that search, I realized that my intuition was to be a part of my purpose, but struggled in understanding how.  I looked into many schools, looking at the various programs, trying to find that one that felt like it fit me and what I wanted to do.  I looked into Psychology programs at local colleges, Cosmetology schools, and finally a Massage Therapy program at a local trade school.  Throughout the search, I realized that I wanted to do something in the healing arts, which led me to looking at a school for Massage Therapy.  I figured that would get me in the door to what I really wanted to do (even though I still was unsure of what exactly that was).  After being accepted to yet another school, and yet another program, I still failed to follow through on signing the paperwork. 

Something felt off to me and I couldn’t quite figure out what.  As I drove around, contemplating why I couldn’t get myself to follow through, I had a very upsetting realization – I was allowing a piece of paper to determine my worth.  In my mind, if I had a degree in something, that degree was saying that I was worthy.  Worthy of what, I’m really not sure, but that piece of paper was sure to make that determination.  I cried … Sobbed actually - heaving, messy, ugly sobbing.  After all, I just realized I felt myself to be worthless.  You see, I’d spent many years feeling unworthy of something as simple as love and acknowledgement from my parents, so finding worth had been a struggle in my life that I wasn’t even aware of.   

A whole lot of self-talk-and-listening-to-my-inner-guidance later, I decided that *I* was worthy of whatever I wanted to be worthy of.  No one or no thing was going to determine that.  Nuh-uh, not happening anymore in my world!  Within days of this new feeling of self-empowerment, I stumbled upon a post on Twitter talking about a free scholarship to some online school.  “Oooh, a free scholarship?!,” I thought.  Why not?  What else did I have to lose?  Upon submitting the free scholarship form, I decided I should probably take a look at the school’s website to see what all they had to offer.  I mean after all, if I was going to possibly win a free scholarship, I should know what the heck I was going to use it on! 

I found myself very enthralled with what this school had to offer and enrolled myself without even waiting for a response on the scholarship.  I’d never taken an online class, but how hard could that be?  And two years is going to pass anyway, so I might as well be doing something of use during that time.  After some trepidation on how to balance school with work and personal life, I quickly found my groove.  Not only did I really enjoy what I was learning, I was changing in the process!  I could feel shifts happening within myself that I couldn’t explain.  I’d also met some really great people who made a huge impact in my life.  People I would now call friends, and even got to meet outside of our online learning environment. 

One friend in particular and I joked about taking a road trip to visit this magical land called SWIHA that changed our lives so much.  And while we joked, inside I truly felt that I wanted to make this journey to see this place and hug the people who’ve had such an impact on me.  I was becoming a new person and many, many people were taking part in this.  Saying ‘thank you’ wasn’t enough.  I had to physically experience this place and these people.  I could feel the yearning in my soul. 

One day I realized that I had time set aside for our annual family vacation that we weren’t going to be able to take due to the illness of a family member.  I thought, “Why not try to make this trip a reality?”  I decided that I’d throw it out there to my friend, and if she was game, we would make it happen!  Much to my surprise, she was excited and wanted to really make this journey as much as I did!  Yea!!!  Girl’s road trip was on the way!!!

As the day to leave approached, I found myself feeling anxious, small, and nervous.  I was second guessing if taking this trip was a good idea at all.  I mean, I was going without my husband, who is a complete level of comfort for me.  We were going to be two women, driving across the country together.  Is that even safe?  I even started questioning how well I knew this friend, looking for any reason to back out.  However, she had already flown here from Memphis and was at her hotel, waiting for me to pick her up.  Many deep breaths later (and a pep talk from my husband), I was ready to embark on this journey. 

The first day we drove and talked pretty much the whole 10 hours we were driving!  We were bonding, laughing, and having fun.  This whole thing might not be so bad.  Silly me for my nerves and anxiety.  We stopped for dinner and to find a hotel for the night.  And that’s when everything came crumbling down on me.  I went in the bathroom to take a shower and the second I shut the door, tears started falling.  I didn’t want to spend the night in this hotel, in this strange town, without my husband.  I cried through the shower and opened up to my friend about my sudden onset of insecurities.  She did her best to calm and reassure me and we both went to sleep.  In the middle of the night, I awoke with a terrible stomachache and wasn’t feeling well at all.  Because of this, I didn’t sleep much either. 

When she woke up the next morning, I let her know I was sick all night and hadn’t slept.  She again did all she could to console me, and then I asked to be left alone to do my morning meditation.  She left the room, and again as soon as the door shut, I broke down crying hysterically.  I called my husband, who could barely understand me through my sobbing.  I had no idea what was going on.  I had never felt this insecure, this anxious, this co-dependent.  But, instead of fighting through like I normally would, I allowed it all to flow.  Our second day of driving was much different than the first.  Instead of fun girl chatter, the day was filled with tears, silence, and confusion (for me).  What I realized this day was that by allowing my feelings and tears to flow openly, I was healing what was bothering me.  What a concept, right?! 

By day three, I was feeling much stronger, but still experienced times of weeping.  I now knew that I had to just let it flow.  This was also the day we arrived at our first destination – Sedona.  I’d always wanted to visit because of the amazing stories I’d heard.  We arrived at night, only to find out that our hotel reservations had been cancelled somehow.  I took it in stride, without freaking out in any way.  Who was this person and what did she do with the “normal” me?!  Maybe shedding all of those tears was shedding layers of myself that no longer served me?  Maybe there is a lot of merit to all of the inner work I’ve been doing and the shifts I’ve been feeling?  

The following morning I woke up with excitement, ready to experience the magic of Sedona and for whatever adventures the day would bring.  My friend had been to Sedona twice before, so not only did she have an idea of where things were, she was also kind enough to let me feel out where my energy wanted to go and not try to take control of what we were going to do.  We visited a scenic spot, where we could see all of the magical rocks and she asked me to look all around me and tell her where I felt drawn to.  As I took in the beautiful scenery, I pointed to a spot and off we went. 

My friend stayed a good distance back from me, so that I was solely feeling my own energy and not hers, as I blazed up and over rocks and through trails.  I had no idea where I was headed, but I was on a mission!  As I walked, I found myself led to a little overhang.  Did I mention my extreme fear of heights that doesn’t allow me to walk up a ladder without getting dizzy?!  Yet, here I was standing on the cliff of a mountainous landscape without having a second thought about it.  Again, who is this person?!  As I walked along the cliff, I found a little fairy circle that was created with rocks.  I was both shocked and happy with what I’d just discovered.  I quickly dropped my things and sat in the circle to meditate. 

 

As I sat there, the wind started to gently blow.  With my eyes closed, I was brought to a guided regression I’d done, where I sat under a tree with a gentle breeze.  In this regression I was told, “You can hear the wind.”  The message in that regression was that I could audibly hear words and information in the wind.  In the current moment, on this cliff, I heard it again and knew that there was more for me in this particular place.  So, I gathered up my stuff and started off again.  I took one step and a huge bug flew across my path.  As I took my next step, another huge bug flew the opposite direction across my path.  This continued for several more steps before I said, “OK, I get it … I’m going the right way.” 

After walking for a bit, I felt the nudge to stop.  I looked at the path below, which was very steep.  I can’t get down there!  I won’t be able to get back up from there!  To which my higher-self responded with inspirational quips, “There is no can or cannot.  There is no try.  There is only DO.”  Encouraged by this higher inspiration, I was determined to continue on, but something still wasn’t feeling right about the path below me.  Suddenly, I turned to look at the path above me.  As I turned I heard that higher-self voice chime in again with, “If I led you to it, I’ll lead you through it.”  OK, OK I get it.  I glanced around the path above me a bit more when I saw it – the place that was waiting for me.  There was this perfect little nook created among the rocks, beckoning for me to sit in it.  Upward I went. 

 

The rest of the day was filled with very fun hiking adventures and great discoveries, like a heart-shaped cactus that I found myself sitting next to.  

We missed seeing the sunset, but were surprised with seeing the full moon rise. 

The day was amazing, I had forgotten all about my nerves, anxieties, and codependent feelings and was ready for bed!  The next day we were off to Phoenix, to finally visit SWIHA, the magical land that sparked this whole journey.  Once we arrived and checked into our hotel, we darted right off to the school.  It was everything we expected it to be – tranquil, serene, welcoming.  We would spend the next four days meeting and spending time with all of the people we’d connected with online and experiencing amazing synchronicities that will forever remain in our hearts.  I personally experienced healing on a level that I had not experienced as of yet.  The protective shield that covered my heart had been broken open through these people and connections. 

It was as if physically visiting this land was the final piece of my healing puzzle.  I cried more in a week’s time than I’ve cried this whole year.  Every vulnerable part of me was exposed and that felt OK.  I felt safe.  I felt surrounded by love.  I felt healed.  And as if my own healing wasn’t enough, I got to participate in a healing forgiveness ceremony in a professional capacity.  I had truly come full-circle in that moment, in being able to facilitate healing for others.  Maybe this place really was magical after all? 

As much as I enjoyed every tear-filled minute of my time here, it was time to start our adventure back home.  We had stops and more fun along the way, but a lot of our time was spent in contemplation of all we’d just experienced.  Magic truly did happen for me during this time-frame.  I fully integrated all aspects of myself into one.  I became a whole person and was no longer fragmented.  And now I was able to return home whole, renewed, refreshed, and ready to share myself with the world.